When I Realized I Was Afraid of Him

It turns out, I’m afraid of him.

How It Started

I remember when it started. This was very early on in our relationship. He had started renting a room from a girl I had worked with for just two weeks. His dad found the ad on Craigslist and passed it along to Lee.

Previously, he had been living with his ex. The only time I went into her house, I found animal feces—and it smelled like piss.

Should have been a red flag, right?
Wrong.

He had an excuse for everything.

“I haven’t actually lived here in months.”
“She’s abusing my dog.”
“She cheated on me with some other guy.”

I was so blind in “love” that I truly believed she was the problem.

The Living Situation

His dad reached out to the girl renting the room and connected them by phone. I wasn’t concerned about him living with a girl. He had his own room, a separate bathroom, and he traveled a lot for work.

I figured I would be around when he was back in town, and I’d know if there was anything to be concerned about.

The First Sign

One night, we were hanging out in his room. He’d had a particularly troubling day. I don’t remember the details, but they aren’t really important. He was extremely emotional—upset to the point of tears.

This is when I first saw it.
The anger.

He started punching the mattress right next to where I was lying. I was concerned he might hit me by accident, so I tried to lay still.

Not sure how to respond to this behavior, I started crying.

He got mad and yelled,

“Why are you crying?!”

In between sobs, I quietly said,

“I’m scared of you right now.”

His response?

“Well, this is me! Either get out or deal with it!”

Looking Back

That memory stayed buried until just a few months ago.

I had developed a worsening drinking problem — a way to cope with the fact that I had lost myself. I had abandoned my own values.

I didn’t leave.
I stayed.
For over ten years.

Have You Been Here Too?

If any part of this feels familiar, I just want you to know: you’re not alone.

Feel free to share your story or thoughts in the comments.
Your voice matters.